If I Won The Lottery: Minnesota Twins Edition


I don’t buy lottery tickets often. I’m pretty sure I’ve bought Powerball numbers only once in my life and that was two years ago. Senior year in high school, the guys thought it was cool to buy scratch-offs all the time, so I did that, but other than that I’m lottery free.

Tonight I go for round two in the Powerball. The jackpot is $500 million, so that’s about the time I think it is worth to go get a couple lines.

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My girlfriend asked me what I would do with the money if I won. That’s not the easiest question in the world. There’s a lot I’d want to do with the money. I probably could afford both an Xbox One and a Play Station 4, but what else would I do.

Sure, I’d do the typical things: buy my mom a new car, buy myself a really nice house, maybe a cheap island, that kind of thing, but that still leaves me with at least $490 million minimum.

I probably could afford something with the Minnesota Twins in mind:

  • I could sign James Shields six times over or maybe just six different James Shields at one time.
  • Maybe slide Joe Mauer a couple hundreds and get him to tell me his real feelings on milk.
  • Invest in a lot of bubble-wrap and stick Byron Buxton in it.
  • Buy my own spot in the Twins Hall of Fame.
  • Make Kenny Chesney sing the National Anthem before every game just to hear people complain.
  • Pay Bert Blyleven not to circle anybody.
  • Contact John Gordon and have him record my outgoing message.
  • Buy a bunch of evergreen trees and put them everywhere in the stadium, but the batter’s eye.
  • Get Glen Perkins a damn bullpen car already.
  • Time machine and actually go to the All-Star Game activities because I can now afford it.
  • Become best buds with Kent Hrbek and have him be my personal fishing guide.
  • Select everyone’s walk-up music.
  • Rent the jumbotron to watch Ghostbusters every single week.
  • Buy a Hall of Fame and only, ONLY, put Pete Rose in it.
  • Get that World Series ring.

There’s a lot I would do. If I do somehow win tonight, this might be my last post in a while, but you’ll see me again. I’ll be sitting courtside at every Timberwolves game, center ice at every Wild game, in a suite at every Vikings game and, of course, courtside for every Lynx game.

Okay, behind home plate for every Minnesota Twins game too.

Next: Who breaks out for the Twins?

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