The Completely Objective Ranking of Minnesota Twins Mustaches

Movember is here, and men across the country are growing and grooming their mustaches. Let’s take a look at the top five mustaches in Minnesota Twins history.

Maybe it’s for warmth in the cold winter months. Maybe it’s because Minnesota is known for its rugged and adventurous attitude. Maybe it’s just because they’re awesome. Regardless of the reason, the Minnesota Twins have had some immaculate mustaches on their past teams.

Before we jump in to the countdown, I’d like to take a moment and plug an organization that does fantastic work. The Movember Foundation is a charity that works to improve the lives of men by tackling issues such as prostate cancer, testicular cancer, and mental health. If you’re so inclined, feel free to learn more and donate here.

This list is the end all be all countdown of the top 5 mustaches ever in the Minnesota Twins franchise. It is not based on personal bias or opinion in any way. All views expressed are totally objective and completely true.

5. Dan Gladden

Number five on the list goes to the great Dan Gladden. He was a spark plug for the 1987 and 1991 World Series teams, and his mustache has been the spark plug of his look for years. Couple that with a John Kruk level mullet and you’ve got yourself a complete look.

4. Frank Viola

Frank Viola notches in here at number four, and we’ve got two straight players from the 1987 World Champion Minnesota Twins. We can gather two key takeaways from examining the picture on this one. He keeps the rest of his face cleanly shaven which really makes the mustache pop, and his sunglasses game is the stuff of legends. Those things are elite.

3. Gary Gaetti

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No list of great Twins mustaches is complete without

Gary Gaetti

. Weird, another member of the ’87 team. It’s impossible for a team with so many epic mustaches to be bad. Gaetti’s stache might be the most epic of them all. Look at this thing. He rides the line between dangerously untamed and impressively dignified beautifully. That’s prime time.

2. Dan Schatzeder

Okay, where do I begin with this animal living on Dan Schatzeder‘s face? It looks like it’s trying to attack his chin. He gets traded from the Phillies to the Twins in ’87 and then the Twins go on to win the World Series. Coincidence? Absolutely not. On top of a power mustache, this guy has a last name that belongs on the Mount Rushmore of baseball last names. Schatzeder. Extraordinary.

1. Craig Kusick

This was never really even a contest. Craig Kusick is head and shoulders above the rest. This isn’t so much about the mustache as it is about the whole look he’s got going on here. I can’t tell if those are tinted glasses or real sunglasses, but I love everything about them. He looks like he swung by the Dollar General on the way to the park and snagged a pair of cheaters to smack a couple dingers. The Twins need to erect a statue of this man at Target Field immediately.

Next: Twins Bench Coach Options

Which great Twins mustaches did I miss? Let me know in the comments!