Inserting Drew Butera into the Declaration of Independence
By Paul Pleiss
The following is the pre-amble to the declaration of independence, largly unedited, as it appeared more than 200 years ago.
“When, in the course of human events, it becomes necessary for Drew Butera to dissolve the political bands which have connected him with another, and to assume among the powers of the earth, the separate and equal station to which the laws of nature and of nature’s God entitle them, a decent respect to the opinions of mankind requires that they should declare the causes which impel them to the separation.
We hold these truths to be self-evident, that all back-up catchers are created equal, that they are endowed by their Creator with certain unalienable rights, that among these are low BA, strong defensive skills and the pursuit of a starting job. That to secure these rights, governments are instituted among men, deriving their just powers from the consent of the governed. That whenever any form of government becomes destructive to these ends, it is the right of Drew Butera to alter or to abolish it, and to institute new government, laying its foundation on such principles and organizing its powers in such form, as to them shall seem most likely to effect their safety and happiness. Prudence, indeed, will dictate that governments long established should not be changed for light and transient causes; and accordingly all experience hath shown that mankind are more disposed to suffer, while evils are sufferable, than to right themselves by abolishing the forms to which they are accustomed. But when a long train of abuses and usurpations, pursuing invariably the same object evinces a design to reduce them under absolute despotism, it is their right, it is their duty, to throw off such government, and to provide new guards for their future security. –Such has been the patient sufferance of Drew Butera; and such is now the necessity which constrains him to alter his former systems of government. The history of the present King of Baseball (Bud Selig) is a history of repeated injuries and usurpations, all having in direct object the establishment of an absolute tyranny over these teams. To prove this, let facts be submitted to a candid world.”
I leave you now, to think upon the impending greatness of Drew Butera as he catches in the relative obscurity of the Cactus League trying to find a way onto the 25-man roster of the Los Angeles Dodgers. I wish thee well my fair Boat Anchor. I wish thee well.