Alexi Casilla Needs an Edge


Paully said to me, “Let’s put out a joint post this week on what?”

And I said, “Let’s put out a joint post on Alexi Casilla needing an edge.”

Be ready to experience AWESOME. (I’m always ready, what about you?)

Here it comes, the Alexi Casilla rookie card:

BOOM!  Awesome.  (Double awesome, signed rookie card, current street value? $3.00, ARE YOU KIDDING ME?!)

Ok, so that’s less than awesome.  So is Alexi’s continued use of sub-standard facial hair.  (I had better facial hair than that in high school, and a soul patch? Seriously?!) Looking back on that rookie card you see that even his facial hair was performing at AAA levels.  Today, while he still wears an equally ugly chin patch and lip spike, he at least has a little more hair, and I can only imagine that’s because as a big league regular, facial hair is your ticket to success (Joe Mauer, Carl Pavano, Johan Santana, etc.).  All things being equal, if Casilla could up his OBP and raise his AVG 10 or 20 points we’d be ecstatic, even if the facial hair remains sub-par.

But I digress, Alexi Casilla, facial hair notwithstanding, still needs an edge.

He’s been selected as the Minnesota Twin’s every day short stop (although it seems that the phrase “every day” might be a little too generous given his frequent days off), and only 29 other dudes in the MLB can start at the same position on any given day.  Alexi Casilla, you are, like it or not, in rarefied air.  Act like it.  Hit the ball like it.  Play defense like it.  Get an edge like it.

Here’s what I propose, get a face tattoo.  And while you’re at it, bulk up a bit and add a couple extra base hits to your stats, maybe we could even start calling you “Alexi ‘The Punch’ Casilla” if you start punching out a few more XBH.

Despite your AAA bat, you’re a major league ball player, and we need you to be a little more intimidating in the batters’ box.

What’s more intimidating than a face tattoo?

Seriously, your OBP is likely to improve because pitchers will be afraid to throw inside and hit you, so you’ll take more walks More walks = more runs, and the Twins can use all the runs we can get this season, 3 runs a game does not equate to post-season success, and I know it’s only mid-April, but this cannot continue.  Seriously, would you want to hit this dude?

Bonus points for Mike Tyson here, not only is he dominating life with his facial tattoo, but he’s showing Alexi the way with that sweet soul patch/barely there goatee facial hair styling.  And look how hungry he looks.  He seems to either want to eat your babies, or kill your dog, both of which would keep you from throwing high and tight against this dude!  For those of you into the Hip-Hop scene, you also know that Gucci Mane has a new facial tattoo of an ice cream cone, I’m not sure that’s very “hard” or very “gangster” but I’m sure as heck not going to question a guy who gets a facial tattoo, so Alexi, take note, go big, don’t limit yourself to part of the face, we, the fans, want a full facial.

Alexi ‘The Punch’ Casilla, we’re not asking for much out of you.  Luis Rivas is probably everything we could ever expect as Twins fans, so the bar isn’t very high.  Run with your facial hair, but supplement it with a face tattoo and you’re on your way to big league success!