Michael Cuddyer's Free Agent Destination

The Twins’ biggest free agent this offseason is Michael Cuddyer. Just about every Twins fan has an opinion on why the Twins should keep him, or why they think he needs to go. Before he signs his next MLB contract, take a look at likely scenarios that might send Michael Cuddyer to another team (Thanks to @GaultCommaSarah and @Lecroy24Fan for inspiring this post, follow them on Twitter as a thank you).
Cuddyer was clearly the brightest star for the 2011 Minnesota Twins, so he’d do well in the cosmos with the Houston Astros. While he’s up in the atmosphere, he might end up signing with the Los Angeles Angels. If he really liked the west coast, but didn’t feel at home in Anaheim, he could Dodge Frank McCourt and play for the other team in LA. Cuddyer’s wife is currently pregnant, so if Cuddyer signs with the San Diego Padres we’ll all know why.
If Cuddyer receives the Four year 52 million dollar contract his agent has been shopping around, Cuddyer will have plenty of loot, and he’ll be a Pittsburgh Pirate. If he doesn’t get all the way to 52 million he’ll undoubtedly miss the ship, and be swimming with the fishes, either the Miami Marlins or the Tampa Bay Rays. Either way, I think it is safe to say that Michael Cuddyer would be comfortable as a Seattle Mariner. 
If it is the Wild West that Cuddyer is craving, he’ll fit in great with the Texas Rangers, except Cowboys are often bitten by snakes, so he might wind up with the Arizona Diamondbacks. To avoid a snake bite he could just hop on his trusty horse and you’ll see him signing with his old pal Jim Thome and the Philadelphia Phillies.
If Michael Cuddyer really loves America he will end up with the Washington Nationals, but he could fit in just as well with the New York Yankees. If he falls in love with New York, but isn’t interested in all the hype associated with pin stripes, he could end up playing for the New York Mets. If he just likes the idea of the Mets, he might return to Minnesota Twins and their ties to Met Stadium. That would be a grand gesture and he could easily become King of Minnesota, his ego would explode, and he’d eventually become a San Francisco Giant. Maybe he’d be a better fit as a Kansas City Royal.
If Cuddyer signs with the Chicago White Sox, he better be fast, because he will get run out of town, so maybe he’d fit in better as an Oakland Athletic. That would be a pretty rocky scenario, so he might just settle in with the Colorado Rockies. There are plenty of bears in the mountains, so maybe he’d do well as a Chicago Cub? But if he really wants to be an animal, he best bet is with the Detroit Tigers.
After several whirl wind meetings with many General Managers Cuddyer might just decide that Free Agency is for the birds, in which case I think you could expect him to sign with the Baltimore Orioles. If he has grown accustomed to the cold Minnesota climate then the Toronto Blue Jays might be a better fit. If blue isn’t really his color, he might just fly the coup and land with the Saint Louis Cardinals, because everyone looks good in red.
He would certainly look good playing for the Boston Red Sox, but if he really wants to wear red, he’s probably going to end up playing for the Cincinnati Reds. It is hard seeing Cuddyer landing in Cincinnati when the Cleveland Indians are the biggest team in Ohio, but that might take a lot of courage, in which case he’d fit in better with the Atlanta Braves.
Free Agency is exhausting, I think Cuddyer will just sit back, crack open a beer and sign with the Milwaukee Brewers.

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