Translating the Twins

Tonight’s 4-1 loss to the Rangers was pretty frustrating. The Twins had a chance to win a series on the road against a very tough opponent, the Texas Rangers. Moreover, they received another stellar performance from ace Scott Baker, who lowered his season ERA to 2.86. But they just couldn’t get a clutch hit. 

That loss depressed me, so I’d like to take the opportunity to have a little fun instead of dwelling on it. How about a few predicitions for the last third of the season?

Nobody can really predict what will happen to the Twins the rest of this season. Will they pull out another big comeback, or will they dip back under .500? Will their veterans heal? Will Michael Cuddyer re-sign after the season? Flipping a coin will probably give you as accurate of an answer as any expert could.

Instead of a coin flip, I’m going to rely on the website Bad Translator, a site I highly recommend if you are the sort of person who likes to waste time on the internet (and let’s be honest – if you’re reading this article, you’re exactly that sort of person). Bad Translator uses Google’s translator function to switch words and sentences back and forth between English and up to 56 other languages – and what you end up with is usually nothing like what you typed in. For example, if you type “the catcher hit a two run double,” and translate it into 56 different languages and back, the end result is “hunter region.”

Clearly, this site has some major predicting potential, if only we can figure out what it means. So I posed six important questions about the rest of the Twins’ season. Here are the results:

Question 1: Will Joe Mauer hit a few more home runs this year?

If you type “Will Joe ever regain his power” into Bad Translator and run it through all 56 languages, the result is “Oil prices, every.” There you have it. As long as gas prices continue to skyrocket, expect Mauer to start hitting bombs on a regular basis.

Question 2: Will the Twins acquire another reliever?

I typed in “new arms for the bullpen,” and the answer was “Robin military.” I don’t know what the military part meant, but I assume Robin is Royals’ reliever Robinson Tejeda. Tejeda seems like an odd choice, since he had a 6.14 ERA in the first month of the season and was designated for assignment down to AAA. But hey, he can’t be any worse than the Twins’ current options, right?

Question 3: Will Michael Cuddyer and Jason Kubel be around next year?

I typed “what will Cuddyer and Kubel do,” and the response I got was “The length of the bus.” This obviously means that both players will leave after the season, but they’ll land in cities that are a short bus trip away. Look for Kubel to sign with the Cubs, and Cuddyer with the Brewers.

Question 4: Will there be a Game 163?

I typed “is a divisional tie breaker necessary,” and Bad Translator told me “you need a vacation.” I certainly can’t argue with that!

Question 5: Will the Twins win the division?

The answer here is quite shocking. I typed “will the Twins capture the Central Division crown,” and the answer was “Young is arrested in the middle of the crown.” We don’t really get an answer to the original question, but we find out something even more important. It seems Delmon Young will find himself in trouble with the law. Whatever the problem is, I hope he has a good lawyer. With Cuddyer and Kubel hopping the bus out of town, the Twins can’t afford to have an outfielder behind bars!

Armed with that knowledge, I took a different approach. I asked “can the Twins make it to the postseason this year,” and the answer was “competition last year.” I think that means that the Twins’ divisional competition will fade away down the stretch, just like last year. This is definitely good news!

Question 6: Who will win the World Series?

I typed “which MLB team will win the World Series,” and the answer was “big world again series.” The word “again” leads me to believe that the San Francisco Giants will repeat as champions. Maybe the Carlos Beltran trade was a pretty good move after all.